Some losses strike so hard,
That a part is lost forever,
However you try all your life,
You cannot be whole again.

A defect so gnawing,
That it bleeds all the way,
All the love of others around ,
Cannot make you whole again.

Hold on to love tight,
Once you are lucky to find,
Once gone out of your life,
Can never be found again.

Dr.Sapna Deb

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After years of yearning,
And intense ardent prayers,
Did two dear little angels,
Dawn into my lonely life.

At once did they start,
Unearthing a secret box,
Long did it lay dormant,
Within my weary being.

Diamonds of unconditional love,
Shining pearls of care,
Gold coins of forgivness,
Rubies of immense joy.

They shone it all at once,
For me to blossom bright.
They brought some stones too,
Out for me to discern.

Stones black of anger,
Pebbles small of impatience,
Vast Sands of regret and,
Coal dark of revenge.

Displayed for me to see,
To polish and to drop,
The bright and the dark,
On evolvement as we embark.

They the rainbows on the scene,
The teachers in my life,
I hold their hand tight,
As they have held mine.

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Millions of years ago, we dwelled as whole souls in the lofty kingdom of the Creator. Absolute stillness, ever new joy, unconditional pure love, ultimate bliss and magnificent brilliance were its hallmark. Each soul was complete and perfect in all ways. This state of absolute bliss was like being in ‘Paradise’.
The former was unequivocal in all of the souls there. It was easy being in absolute bliss when the environment itself is so pervaded with peace and joy. But was it possible when the situations and environment was in contrast?  Was it possible for the souls to hold on to their true nature of bliss, joy and love in formidable, unpleasant and trying circumstances?
What strength could they achieve and fathom if they were not put through appropriate tests?
Did not the hardest steel pass through the most gruesome fire?
In a severe pain filled predestined moment, each soul was slashed into two, male and female part. {Twin selves are male and female parts of the same whole soul.} The grief of losing the most precious and revered part of oneself forever was so intense and incapacitating that they were completely lost. To add to it, was their deep fall from Paradise into the illusionary world of repeated births and deaths. Overcome with grief, they looked around to find some other souls around so slashed. {This group was known as twin souls, souls who travel through every birth together, disguised as friends, mates, and relatives}.
Soon these souls dressed in new flesh bodies, dawned into the world crying, looking and searching forever for that part of themselves they had lost. The search led them in and out of situations and relationships forming new karma all the way and atoning thereafter, till they got completely entangled in the maze of their own making. As time passed, they forgot their true nature and fell off so away from ‘home’ that even faint memories of the ‘blissful times’ seemed to be melting away.
In their times of distress, they were helped unexpectedly by a few, their twin souls, who reminded them of the lessons of love, care, encouragement and bliss. They rekindled an old memory, a distinct reconnect with the past and afforded a fleeting glimpse of Paradise.
Such moments were the ‘MOMENTS IN PARADISE’ for them.
The formidable search for the twin self continued though. The mirror image of their own self; each held a faint memory of them in their souls and searched in vain. Fumbling and faltering, some fell so deep down into the cycle that all memory was lost.       
But not all met the same fate. Those who held on to the love and bliss, forgave and forgot and worked in accordance to their original nature even in trying circumstances, found ‘spiritual advancement’ to a degree that they were rewarded by the appearance of their ‘twin self’ in their lives. This was not only the most rewarding moment but the most formidable one too. The union required a complete dissolution of the ego and complete annihilation of the vices of anger, greed, feelings of revenge and holding on to hurts within.
Some failed miserably becoming fallen angels in the process. They lost their other halves again to meet them in later births when they were ‘worthy’ of the ultimate union. These souls could never forget their lost ones and though they went their separate ways, they carried the melancholy within. Such souls could do well to remember that their union can never be broken. They might remain away from each other but they always remain united to each other with a cord which defies distance and time.
Those who succeeded in holding on despite the inevitable storms were blessed with the highest reward. They found absolute bliss, joy and complete fulfillment. Their yearning of eons was fulfilled. They had finally come ‘HOME’.
These beings won the race for humanity.  They became the torchbearers for the world, showing and guiding the lesser among souls to their ultimate destiny, back to the world they had come from, their ultimate home, the dwelling of the CREATOR.

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I was in the eight standard then. That day, our Civics teacher walked into the class. Sister Victrine looked resplendent in her starched white dress. Her countenance radiated calmness and purity.

I loved her teaching but that day I was not really in the mood to listen to anything. During the class, only my physical body was seated on the bench. My mind had left it for good and was busy in a Madras cricket field. A one day match was going on between India and West Indies there.

My friend, Babita was frantically gesturing to me.
“Sapna..match is on..match is on!” She whispered loudly the moment Sister turned towards the board to write.
” You have a headache. Go and tell her.” She added.
Of course my head was fine and light and sat smugly on my shoulders. There was absolutely nothing wrong with me. The small pocket transistor had been placed cladestinely inside my desk before the class had begun.
My cricket lover group of friends thought that I had the most innocent face of all. I did not see much of that on my face though, innocence I mean. But they somehow thought I, had the capability of melting Sister’s heart. I hesitated. I did not want to feign sickness like this. My conscience was continuously doing the pricking.
‘Go you…lazy. Stand up and go to her. We are missing the sixes and the fours.’ Another friend poked me from behind as she said this.
I hesitantly went up to her.
” Yes, my dear child, are you alright?” Sister said lovingly.
All that guilt and deceit had already drained the blood off my face perhaps or otherwise how could a healthy me look so sick in her eyes?
I nodded in a no.
” Oh, go and put your head on the desk and sleep, my dear.” She said as she touched my forehead to check for fever.

Now fever cannot be feigned at a moment’s notice. So she did find any of it on my person.
Reassured, she sent me off to ‘ put my head on my desk and sleep”.

I put my ears on the long slit on the desk, closed my eyes and strained my ears. I only heard noise. PLAIN NOISE.
The more I strained my ears the more noise I heard.
I heard another whisper.
‘TELL THE SCORE.” Babita was whispering wildly.
A pellet came flying. Since we had chosen the last two benches on either side of the room and she was at the farthest bench on the other side, she had probably equipped herself with throwable stuff like that.
Meanwhile my ears stubbornly refused to catch a single soundwave except…of course, the noise.
I gestured nothing with my hands.
” Increase the volume.” She ordered.
Now for that I would have to open the desk and put my head in to see the volume button. At the opportune time I did so, and rolled one of the buttons. To my utter dismay, the commentary was LOST.😳😳
Damn me. Another pellet came flying.
“Roll the OTHER BUTTON.What in the world are you doing?”I heard next.
Sister Victrine turned and grimaced and looked at all of us. She looked disturbed. We fell quiet.
The next moment, I ducked in as she turned her back and increased the volume. But alas! It became too high. A huge noise filled the room making almost everyone jump up. I decreased it immediately. Sister Victrine had become upset.
She watched the boys playing cricket in the huge Kasturchand Park opposite to the school.
“Look at these boys. Playing cricket and making noise during school hours and disturbing my students too. It’s too bad.” She shook her head and lamented.
That stroke of luck saved me at that time.
She resumed her teaching and me the straining of ears and listening.
44 for 3 wickets India.!!
My heart seemed to be sinking. Such was my piteous heart at that time, that it rose and sank with wins and losses of the Indian Cricket team. It had kind of nothing to do with me after it anchored itself to them..
I gestured 3 with my fingers towards her.
“Fours?”She asked.
“No..WICKETS!” I gestured.
She rose up in the air like a phoenix saying,”WHAT?”

Sister Victrine turned just then. Babita sat back just on time.
“Why is the class so distracted today? Sapna, why are you ducking your head in and out of the desk like that? Put your head on the desk and sleep.” She said and resumed her teaching.
The next thirty minutes or so I regularly gestured at intervals …four ..five ..six…seven ..eight..nine…and the class ended along with the Indian team’s innings. All out for less than a hundred and twenty runs.
The most disastrous match we had heard the commentary of, in years.
Babita walked angrily towards me saying, ” What a rubbish,unlucky new pocket radio is this! I feel like throwing it in the drain. I told my brother to get a nice one for me and he got an unlucky one! I will tell him to give it back to the shop.”
Somehow her frivolous statement and anger combined made all my disappointment melt away. I almost laughed out aloud. Angry people are really funny to watch at times.

In my heart, I thought it had served me right. I had fallen that day in my own eyes. I had learnt a lesson that day. So did my cricket loving friends. Babita never brought the radio again. I studied for another two years in St.Joseph and Sister continued teaching us. I always felt a twinge of guilt when her eyes met mine and she smiled lovingly. I realized I was like an onion. Her implicit faith in me had helped remove one of the the grey shaded peels.

The others would be removed by life.

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A tribute to Mrs.Iris Wilkinson
My English Teacher at St. Joseph Convent

The bus stopped after some hesitant jerks. We gave a collective moan. This sudden snag meant another wait in the school bus for how long we did not know. Our bus took us to and fro from Umred to Nagpur city every day. The sixty students in it were an eclectic mix of students from different schools and colleges. Needless to say, all had different times of closing. So even though, we students of St. Joseph Convent, Nagpur finished ours by 1. 20 p.m., we could start our return journey home only at 6.30 p.m. This was when the last college student would jump into the bus.
How our hearts rejoiced then silently. Silently because our Strict driver, Vinayakji, did not like vociferous rejoicings. All of us together could dish out quite a cacophony at times, so much so, that Vinayakji would lose whatever patience he had, and would park the bus in a deep jungle on the way back, put off the lights and to our utter dismay, leave us in complete darkness and walk off! So, stuck in that God forbidden jungle, where we could feel but not see the face of the person sitting next, we learnt DISCIPLINE.
But that day, we had been perfectly civil and the bus due to a quirk of fate, had stopped on its own somewhere near Hislop college. My stomach was growling. It was about 5 p.m. in the evening. Unfortunately, the lunch box packed by my mother had been too difficult to resist and I had finished the last morsel of it by 7 a.m. We started from home before dawn and would be ravenously hungry by the time we reached school at 6.30 a.m.

It was in that opportune time, a familiar voice called me by my name. Mrs. Wilkinson, my favourite teacher who taught us English was calling me.
“What are you doing here?” Her clear, lyrical voice asked me.
I told her about our dilemma.
“You all reach home at 7.30 p.m. everyday!” She gasped with a look of consternation on her fair face.
“Come in.” She added.
I got down and walked up to her. It felt so nice seeing her.
“This is my house. Come in.” She said.
I perhaps was feeling shy and a little hesitant. I had the former in abundance though I cannot really point out in exactitude the reason of it. Probably it was a natural trait, an unwelcome one at that. It never really helped me in any way. Why! I was even shy of looking at the eyes of anyone who ever spoke to me. I preferred the uninteresting ground instead.
“Do come in. Bring all your friends too.” She said.
“But we are almost sixty of us Miss.” I said, flabbergasted.
“It is all right.” She said.
I ran up to the other students.
“My Miss is calling all of us. Come down all of you and follow me.” I told them.
Of course, I took Vinayakji’s permission before telling the others. I had no wish to lock horns with the Tiger himself. I know not why he looked relieved.

It was a large bungalow with a wonderful garden. We all spread into the different rooms like a kaleidoscope. It felt so good as compared to the stuffy school bus. All the cups and glasses were brought out and we had coffee and cookies, sweetmeats and cakes. Miss used to have all these in tins! A swift two hours passed away and we left reluctantly only after we heard the shrill horn of the bus at length!
My friends and senior college students gave me furtive glances on the way back home. Some faces that knew not how to wear a smile, did that day. I felt grateful and proud of her.
More than three decades later, I still feel overwhelmed at that gesture of hers. Especially when I have to entertain sudden guests and feel inundated and exasperated with the sudden elaborate preparations required.
I could imbibe some knowledge from her magnificent presence but not her kindness and greatness of heart. May you live a long and healthy life Miss.

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Little Ganesha

Look at me Ma,
This big head and nose,
Pappa and his anger
I don’t like it at all!

Ma caressed his head,
Not anger, but sight divine,
On a pedestal, did he lead,
That stroke was just fine.

For eons from now,
You will be revered,
But the wise amongst them,
Will lift the veil with fervour.

Your trunk is your wisdom,
Your big ears deeply listen,
Your small mouth talks less,
Your little eyes keenly observe.

One foot touches the earth,
But you are untouched,
The ‘mouse’ of your mind,
You ride in full control.

Little Ganesh with his Ma

Your ‘rotund’ tummy,
Can accept and absorb.
The ‘rope’ in your hands,
Ties down the senses.

The ‘Trishul’ in your hands,
Is the win over past, present and future,
Like a ‘Lotus’ even in dirt,
You blossom filled with mirth.

Hard work is the broken ‘tusk’,
The ‘Modak’ the reward.
But humble in not eating.
The hand ‘risen’ in blessing.

Your ‘Riddhi’ and ‘Siddhi’,
Are prosperity and success,
Which follows the Seeker,
Who wisely sees you truly.

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Those were the days,
When one headed home for lunch,
Over steaming rice and curry,
Spent cosy family time.

The anecdotes of the day,
The kids naughty ways,
Shared laughter and tears,
Of those near and dear.

Then it was time,
For a little power nap,
The town too languid,
To bridge the energy gap.

Now we rush through out the day,
And grab a cold lunch on the way,
Pouring over what app and emails.
We have subtly lost our ways.

The real ties are a blur,
Those near have moved away.
Few close but far away,
In the ‘Mirage ‘ of our virtual world.

Hot lunch
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Those Were The Days.


Those were the days..
When it rained
You ran out..
And danced in the rain.

Those were the days
When it rained
You saw little rivulets.
And some fish swam in..

Those were the days,
When little paper boats,
Floated away gracefully,
As you watched wistfully..

Those were the days,
When it rained,
Frogs croaked beside the window,
Looking for their umbrellas..

Now when it rains,
The world is washed afresh
But the web of thoughts within
Remain untouched with it all …

So does life fritter away ,

Drop by drop, drop by drop,

Pitter patter, pitter patter,

Like those little rain drops.

  Sapna Deb
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The Solitary Bubble

I rose up into the world,
And smiled at the beauty around,
When I looked into myself,
I fell in love with ‘ME ‘.

Round, fine and glowing,
I gently floated along,
Enclosing a rainbow in my bosom,
How breathtaking was ‘I ‘.

The small ones around so silly,
I gazed down at them in pity,
How lowly and ugly are you,
And ‘I’ so very pretty.

‘MOVE AWAY ‘ I cried in alarm,
When they floated too near,
Eager to imbibe my greatness,
I swam away in fear.

They embraced me tightly,
Until we all became one,
The next moment a ‘ burst’ was heard,
And I dissolved into ONENESS forever.

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He came bent with folded hands,
Oh Doctor, do help me,
In deep trouble did I land,
I will pay more than your fee!

It’s my dear little wife,
She is so tired and weak,
The love of my life,
It’s her health that I seek.

He took my hand in his,
And implored with tear laden eyes,
It is she for whom I live,
‘Heal her please’ he sighs.

‘Bring her in’, I say,
‘I will try my best.
Give her your care,
Let God do the rest.’

He brought her in her arms,
She old, wrinkled and small,
Had lost one eye and ear,
But a shy smile shone bright.

So deeply touched was I,
At this wondrous sight of love,
Love is not in waves of passion,
It’s in the divine recesses of the soul.

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